Wow...long time no blog. I'm hoping that's because I'm listening (reading?) more than I'm talking right now, but it could also be a function of the fact that I find it hard to type while holding the baby--who still is only indulging in daytime naps when he's being held or is sitting upright under the influence of motion (carseat or stroller...NOT the swing). I also find it difficult to do much beyond basic cleaning and cooking.

There was a time in my life when I would have had an easy solution to my own issues in this area. My first three children were on a schedule, so I should know how to do this, right?

Wrong.

I remain firmly convinced that this littlest blessing came to us not just because of my husband's very strong desire for a fourth child, but to finally force me to deal with my own pride.

Pride in my self-sufficiency.

Pride in my ability to handle a very full schedule (homeschooling, Bible Study leader, worship team, working out regularly, saying "OK" to any project thrown at me), maintain an obsessively tidy house and put three home cooked meals on the table each day.

Pride in being seen as "strong" and not needing to seek out help, even when I was stumbling around my house in a first trimester nausea-induced haze, strapped to an IV pole and a medicine pump.

In retrospect, I'm not sure who I was trying to be so "good" for. After all, no one asked me to knock myself out trying to fill the mold of some super Christian Stepford Wife.

My Community Bible Study class this year has been on the book of Romans. In the past Romans has been a book I struggled with---I'd even go as far to say that I didn't like it. In His perfect timing, God has done a work in my heart...I am loving this book.

It wasn't the book I was struggling with...it was the concept of grace. It was admitting that I didn't have to be good enough for anyone, including God. I simply have to believe (which from a Reformed perspective, I can't even believe without His intervention!).

What peace.

What freedom.

Not only does it stop the inner monologue of self-beratement, it opens the doors for blessings.

I am free to be imperfect and weak.

I am free to say "yes" to help and to allow others to touch my life with their service.

The benefits of this spiritual housekeeping are amazing. But it gets better...God doesn't just care about my heart, he cares about my day to day life as well.

No, the baby's healing is not yet complete. We're still tweaking the baby's meds and he's still not sleeping much during the day. The house isn't particularly clean, and while the baby and I have started walking again (mostly to get him to nap), I am nowhere near my ideal workout schedule (or body weight, for that matter!).

But my pride has been sufficiently deflated enough to accept with tremendous gratitude one friend's gift of cleaning out my refridgerator (it hadn't been cleaned in about nine months!) and a gift certificate for a cleaning service (fall cleaning and five follow up biweekly cleans!) from my mom and sisters.

Of course, my sister made me promise that I wouldn't clean before the service came...she knows that while I'm growing and being conformed to the image of my Savior, that perfection won't come until I am face to face with Him. And just as I look forward to that day, I look forward to the future here when I this season of my life is over and I can return the many blessings given to me.

Not because I'm good enough, but because He is.