Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I have half a dozen posts piled up in my drafts folder...
...but none of them are saying what I want to say.
It's frustrating. Paul perhaps expresses it more eloquently.
18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. Romans 7:18.
Monday is checkup time again, so bright and early that I'll be doing my own CT prep at home (Gross. Very gross--I think they should at least offer holiday flavors--perhaps Gingerbread Latte?).
Last time, I was almost feeling blase about the whole thing. This time, for some reason, the idea of the checkup is really eating my lunch. I'm anxious (beyond the whole cleaning thing) and more than a bit angry.
I'm angry that I'm loosing a day of my life to the cancer center. Especially during the Christmas season.
I'm angry that there's always a chance that the sarcoma could be back, and that I'm exposed to so much radiation in a year just looking for the monster that I could develop lukemia as a side effect.
I'm angry not that I could die, but that I struggle with trusting God to do my job here on earth and take care of my children.
I know in my head that my faith should be prevailing right now, but it's not.
Stupid, I know, but I'm being honest.
I'm blessed to be surrounded by people who love me and who thankfully don't treat me like the idiot that I'm acting like right now (oh me of little faith!). They accept my feelings and point me to the truths that are right there in my heart...if only I'd dig a little deeper. When they shine the light, I begin to see the way again.
Thanks to all who shine the light and are patient with me right now.
It's frustrating. Paul perhaps expresses it more eloquently.
18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. Romans 7:18.
Monday is checkup time again, so bright and early that I'll be doing my own CT prep at home (Gross. Very gross--I think they should at least offer holiday flavors--perhaps Gingerbread Latte?).
Last time, I was almost feeling blase about the whole thing. This time, for some reason, the idea of the checkup is really eating my lunch. I'm anxious (beyond the whole cleaning thing) and more than a bit angry.
I'm angry that I'm loosing a day of my life to the cancer center. Especially during the Christmas season.
I'm angry that there's always a chance that the sarcoma could be back, and that I'm exposed to so much radiation in a year just looking for the monster that I could develop lukemia as a side effect.
I'm angry not that I could die, but that I struggle with trusting God to do my job here on earth and take care of my children.
I know in my head that my faith should be prevailing right now, but it's not.
Stupid, I know, but I'm being honest.
I'm blessed to be surrounded by people who love me and who thankfully don't treat me like the idiot that I'm acting like right now (oh me of little faith!). They accept my feelings and point me to the truths that are right there in my heart...if only I'd dig a little deeper. When they shine the light, I begin to see the way again.
Thanks to all who shine the light and are patient with me right now.
Name:
3 Comments:
Faith? It is not so easy to have faith in moments when the mountain looms ahead. Faith is easier to talk about than to have. I may not have faced the mountains you have faced....but I have fought my own Golioaths that have made me question my abililty to have faith. Every time Christoher gets ill and struggles for breath or has to go to the hospital....I fight the lack of faith monster. It is on the other side of those moments we see we actually did have more faith than we thought. And who, would not have some issues with all you have faced?
Hugs and so many prayers. I dont really have words of advice because I have not faced what you face, but I care and I can pray for Him to undergird you. God bless you my friend.
The only thing I can say is I love you and I'm praying. I'm believing God for a clean scan and I'm totally understanding, in the very small way that I can having faced the scan but never the diagnosis, the fear, the anger, the doubt. I cannot take it away. I wouldn't want to try. What I can do is walk beside you from afar and wish that I could be there to go with you and hold your hand.
God never asks us to pretend our we always 'feel' faith.
~
I'm thrilled at more good news though (via your FB update).
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