Tuesday, October 24, 2006
On my heart
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
Proverbs 31:30a
I find it somewhat astonishing that in light of everything that has occurred in my life in the last few weeks that the first thing people usually comment on is my appearance. Chiefly that, 1.I've lost weight (in reality, only about 5 pounds, and at least 1/2 lb of that was kidney and tumor). and 2. I look "good" (I guess this means I no longer look pale and deathly ill).
Long before I landed in the hospital, I had begun the long, slow process of shedding "baby" (and stress) weight. However, I'm tall, large-boned, and muscular, so the weight loss process elicited little comment, with the exception of people who hadn't seen me in months. Evidently there is some truth to the whole "last five pounds" thing, as it somehow pushed me into the realm of an obviously healthy weight.
On the positive side, my clothes fit well, and part of me hopes that I can keep my current body, especially when I'm allowed to return to exercise more vigorous than a walk to the mailbox. But I find myself intensely uncomfortable with yet one more thing that calls attention to myself in the midst of all of the recent drama. I have to constantly remind myself that it could be worse...people care enough to want to make conversation and tell me that they care without requiring me to rehash the ugly details of the disease process and all I need to do yet another time.
It's also a negative. I don't "look" sick right now. For the sake of my family and to boost my own mood, I'm making an effort to pull myself together (hair, makeup, flattering clothing) every morning. The makeup covers the pallor (being an anemic redhead is lovely) and the circles under my eyes, and I'm happy to say that most of the time, I look pretty normal. What it doesn't show is that I get tired taking a shower most days... and I think it's more difficult for people to extend sympathy (and service) to someone who doesn't "look" ill, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that sitting around in my PJs would only throw me into a depression...
Which brings me to...
As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17
I'm wondering if there is some sort of pollen in the air that causes women to have really bad days. I allowed myself the luxury of a good wallow yesterday, and it seems like several of my friends have been following suite. Of course, I felt a bit of a heel when I read a friend's blog where she (discreetly) commended my attitude later in the day!
Commiserating with my best friend (she had a cruddy day, too) she made the comment that cancer "trumped" her problems. That didn't sit well with me at all.
It seems to me that we all have our problems...and if they are enough to bother us, then they deserve sympathy. It's not a competition, as I can always find someone worse or better off than myself. It was a good reminder to beef up my every-short storehouse of compassion.
Also, it's okay to feel whatever (sad, mad, unloved). Our emotions are gifts and need outlet--hopefully healthy outlet. It's okay that I've allowed myself the occasional moment of self-pity. God understand.
What's NOT okay is to buy into lies. The blessing of my conversation with my friend wasn't that we were able to "dump" on one another (which we did), but that we used the time to point out the truth to each other as well. It made all the difference. A sharpened sword pierces the gloom much more effectively than a dull edge.
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2 Comments:
That's true Heather - we're all allowed to feel whatever and address those emotions.
everyone deserves a 'moment' or 'day' to wallow. . . it helps you I think in the long run.
Glad you are recooping well. You've been in my thoughts/prayers.
It seems we'll compete over just about anything: Who's healthier, sicker, stronger, thinner, cuter, a better student, a better driver, even a more hard-core shopper - or heaven forbid - able to stay out (or stay up) later!
Unfortunately, we can even see competition over who's more spiritual, with longer devotions and more prayer time.
So glad to hear that you're up and around. Take your time recovering -and if there's anything you need, you know where we are!
K & K
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