My sister "in love" (like that one, Dad?), Susan, wrote about how our expectations shape our choices and reactions. She (and the other bloggers that she took inspiration from) did a great job of expressing thoughts that had often rattled around in my head as well. How often have I suffered from disappointment and even bitterness because a actual event failed to live up to the picture I had created in my head?

As I begin my s-l-o-w process of recovery from chemo and general getting on with my life (thus the appalling lack of posting), I realise that one of the gifts of my season with cancer is that by and large, I've been able to let go of how I think people "should" act, or how events "should" happen. The result? An increase in my ability to take joy in whatever comes...and I imagine I'm a more pleasant person to be around.

One of the outside (or internally created?) pressures that I've succumbed to in the past has been elaborate birthday parties for my children. I've specialty ordered ridiculously expensive coordinating decorations and paper ware--it takes really pretty pictures, but still ends up smeared with icing and ultimately in the trash. I've spent hours on elaborate cakes that are demolished in minutes, and too much money on "goodie bags" that are forgotten, or cast aside.

My son turned 10 on Memorial Day. We were in North Carolina with our friends Steve and Laurie, and celebrated with a barbecue in their backyard. The paper ware was from the Dollar General, the cupcakes I made with the help of my 6 year old, and Laurie's 4 year old. There wasn't a goodie bag in sight. We had a marvelous time--the birthday boy, a child who once announced in the middle of a party that he was going to take a nap (okay, he was three at the time)-- had a marvelous time as well. Our entire long weekend with them was infused with this joyous, laid-back casualness. We delighted in lingering over coffee, talking for hours, and helping putter around the house and yard.



Of course, this is NOT to say that I'm "cured" from the pressure of outside pressures and self-created expectation. We're in the process of wrestling through the best school choices for our children next year. I struggle with trusting God for our Phoenix house (aka the Albatross)to sell in His perfect timing. I'm guilty of being self-critical when I look at the boxes of pictures waiting to be hung in our new house, see my running shoes sitting forlornly in the corner of my closet, even when we continue to eat (gasp!) store-bought bread. I cringe with resentment at the newly-delivered box of medical supplies that means the home-health nurse will be coming soon to maintain my port and tire of trying to find headwear to match whatever outfit I choose to wear (especially while looking for a church).


But the joy comes in unimagined places. I mowed the lawn yesterday--there was a time when I barely had the strength to walk from my bedroom to the living room. I went on vacation with my family--not to the hospital without them. I had the blessing of baking my son's birthday treats. I'm growing my eyebrows and eyelashes back! (Ridiculous, but I really wasn't sure that was going to happen!).

I'm looking forward to our "lazy, crazy, hazy days of summer"...and trying not to "expect" anything but to be surprised by joy.